So Wie Man Denkt, So Kommt Es Nie
by Dutchman89
Summary: A stranger appears in Nouvion looking for Madame Fanny, but as always in Nouvion things don’t go as planned. Gruber X OMC Slash. No René bashing. Story is in English, save for some references, but you can go without those. Chapter 2 now up!
1. So Wie Man Denkt, So Kommt Es Nie

**Title:** So Wie Man Denkt, So Kommt Es Nie

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **R – rated for later chapters

**Pairing: **Main pairing is Gruber/OMC, though there are hints of others.

**Summary: **This is what happens when you read Discworld, listen to Elisabeth, watch 'Allo 'Allo and are a slashwriter with rabid plotbunnies. A stranger appears in Nouvion looking for Madame Fanny, but as always in Nouvion things don't go as planned. Don't worry, no René-bashing. Also, the actual story is in English.

**Disclaimer: **Ah, if only I owned any of the things I'm referring to, but even the OMC isn't entirely mine. The bits in italics are from the musical Elisabeth.

**A/N: **For you Germans out there. DON'T think of Uwe. I just used the appearance from Elisabeth and combined it with some characteristics from Discworld.

_Was nützt ein Plan - ist er auch noch so schlau,  
Er bleibt doch immer Theorie!  
Und nur das eine weiß man ganz genau:  
So wie man plant und denkt, so kommt es nie! - Lucheni_

Imagine a French café in a small town called Nouvion during the second World War. Behind the bar is a man, he has an apron, a moustache and apparently some strange charm, his name is René Artois. Most of the customers are German soldiers and officers, one of which is sitting at the bar, a lieutenant. This is Hubert Gruber. He has cheese in his ears. For an explanation of this, focus your gaze upon the piano where the elderly forger monsieur LeClerc is playing a tune. Next to it are two women, one very old in bright green clothes clearly not befitting her age. The other is her daughter, she appears to have on her head a dead hen posing as a hat.

Both are singing. Both are extremely bad at it. These two are Edith and her mother, Madame Fanny. The latter is the reason our story begins.

Glance towards the door. It opens and a man enters. He is an imposing figure, large with blonde hair reaching his shoulders, dressed in an immaculate black and dark blue suit, his even bluer eyes scan the room even though his expression shows there is no need for this. He knows who he's looking for and exactly where she is. As if this in itself isn't strange enough… nobody seems to notice him. Nobody, that is, except for Madame Fanny. As he lays his eyes upon her, she is already walking towards to stranger. "I thought you'd never come!" The elderly woman sounds as if the stranger is an old friend.

"I ALWAYS COME, FOR EVERYONE… I'M DEPENDABLE," he answers in a voice like marble slabs falling upon graves. He reaches out a gloved hand towards her. "ARE YOU READY?" He hadn't expected an answer, but he got one anyway. "Actually, could you give me a few moments, Morty? It's okay if I call you Morty, I hope?" The man appeared to consider this for a few moments. "I HAVE BEEN CALLED MANY THINGS, THIS IS AMONG THE WORST." Since he hadn't forbidden it, Madame Fanny shrugged it off. "Just a few minutes, Morty? I had always hoped to die peacefully in bed…" The man looked rather reluctant, he was supposed to be stalking the streets in various places, it was expected. Then again, the bar seemed nice enough. "FINE, A QUARTER OF AN HOUR, THEN." The woman looked happy with this answer. "Good, why don't you go have a drink in the meantime,? The gin is good. But I'd lay off the voice a bit, if I were you, it might frighten people." He nodded and Fanny disappeared up the stairs, spitting on a few Germans as she went.

Death sighed, quite a gesture for someone who doesn't breathe, and slipped into the mortal world. Quite a few puzzled glances were aimed at the man suddenly appearing in the middle of the café and two men promptly vowed to stop drinking. Death ignored them and walked up to the bar, standing next to the lieutenant. The barkeeper's back was turned towards him, making Death want to clear his throat to catch his attention… something the man next to him was apparently attempting as well, only in a slightly different way. "YOUR MOTHER IN LA…" René yelped and jumped two feet into the air, allowing the glass he'd been wiping to smash on the floor.

So… she'd been right about the voice. He was out of practice with mortals…

"Er… your mother in law recommended the gin," Death offered the man a slightly nervous grin along with various coins, some of which appeared to be very old. The poor man behind the bar didn't even seem to notice this, but simply took them and set down a glass and a bottle on the bar in front of Death.

René didn't know exactly what it was about the man, but he seemed to be strangely familiar… and not in a good way either. Whatever it was, it made him nervous and uncomfortable. A sentiment Lieutenant Gruber didn't seem to share. "Well, well… I've never seen a suit quite like that. Then again, I don't believe I've ever seen you before." Death nodded and poured himself a glass. "That is correct, not many people here have." People generally didn't see him anyway, at least not twice.

Hubert frowned, from the way he'd addressed René the lieutenant had assumed the stranger to be French, yet he spoke German fluently, as if he'd been doing so his entire life. "I think it would be better to speak French here, that way René will understand it too." Death nodded, even though he hadn't been aware of speaking German. It was a reflex, it made it quite difficult to explain to people they had deceased if you didn't speak their language. "Fine by me," he agreed in what he hoped was French. Judging by the look on the other's face it was.

"My name is Lieutenant Gruber, though you may call me Hubert. This here is René, he runs the café." Hubert aimed a fond smile at René, René responded with a nervous little grin. "And you are?"

Death was at a bit of a loss here. Usually whoever he came for knew who he was. If not, he could always point down to their body and they'd generally understand. Introducing yourself as Death wouldn't be the wisest thing to do, so he desperately sought for a name. "Wolfgang!" Okay, that had perhaps been a bit overenthusiastic… "My name is Wolfgang." To make up for the sudden outburst Death-now-Wolfgang attempted to offer a friendly smile to both men. It was quite acceptable for someone who rarely had something to actually smile about.

"Ah, a German after all. Have you been transferred here?" While Death tried to find the right answer René managed to slip into the backroom, away from that strange man. "Yes?" Death hazarded. "Then where is your uniform? Though these too are… most interesting garments." Once again this required some quick thinking, though not very much. "Lost them on the way here." He noticed the other's glass was empty and held up the bottle to offer him some gin. Upon Gruber's nod, he refilled the man's glass along with his own that had mysteriously been emptied while they were speaking.

"What a pity," the man said after taking a sip. "What's your rank, then?" Death glanced at Hubert's arm and immediately recognized that he was a lieutenant… a lot of his customers were in the military. It was safest to aim just under him. "Second lieutenant," he responded smoothly. Then he hoped desperately that the rank actually existed in this army and offered Gruber another smile along with another glass.

The conversation slowly progressed and it was several hours and a lot of glasses later that Death stalked the streets again. Well, actually Death stumbled through Nouvion, half held up by Lt. Gruber, half holding up Lt. Gruber. They had left the café… or rather had been ushered out by René… Hubert feeling quite happy about meeting a new friend, 'Wolfgang' feeling as if he'd forgotten something.

In her bedroom, Madame Fanny cursed Death.


	2. Ich Will Mit Dir Im Nichts Ertrinken

**A/N: **This is where the slash really begins. If you like it, enjoy! If you don't... meh, read it anyway. Who knows, it might get you hooked.

**A/N 2: **For those of you who are wondering about this, the German army did have the comparative rank of the British second lieutenant. Since the series used those British ranks, I used one too.

_Lass die Welt versinken!  
Ich will mit dir im Nichts ertrinken,  
mit dir als Feuer auferstehn  
und in der Ewigkeit vergeh'n... – Tod & Elisabeth_

Death awoke to a pounding headache. For mortals this was usually quite a torture, but now imagine someone who doesn't sleep and has never had a hangover in his life... it made the part of Death that was on this early hour still quite convinced it was the human Wolfgang whose identity he'd assumed last night wish for Death to come and claim him.

It did. At least, the realisation that he was Death did the second he felt heat near his bare skin, a warmth that he knew only a human touch could provide, even though he'd never been able to enjoy it for more than a fraction of a second. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" he yelled, rolling away from what turned out to be a very much awake and apparently headache-less Hubert. He hadn't meant to shout at the poor man, nor had he wanted to use The Voice, it was just a reflex. He liked Hubert, from what he could still remember they'd had a very nice evening at the café and had collapsed here... he didn't want to claim him by accident.

Thus, the reason for his rolling away was simple. Even though some seemed to prefer the scythe – and who was he to deny a last request? – Death usually took a soul by touch. A kiss was most common, because it had a certain style, but he knew just grabbing someone with his bare hands would be quite enough. He wasn't entirely sure whether his chest had the same power, but he didn't want to find out by reaping the soul of someone whose time had not yet come, let alone someone he liked. It was rare enough for mortals to be likable, or rather for them to like him, no need to make them even scarcer. Yet, he felt like some sort of explanation was necessary, since Hubert's lip was beginning to tremble. "It's alright, I'm not angry... you just startled me. Just don't try again, okay? No good can come of it, trust me..."

He was quite surprised to find Hubert chuckle as if he'd just made an adorable statement. "My dear Wolfgang, I can assure you that I have already touched you and I'm still very much okay." The lieutenant did indeed think Wolfgang's care for his well-being sweet and felt an overpowering urge to comfort the man, who was just beginning to discover quite a lot of his suit had been removed. Hubert placed a hand on Wolfgang's muscular chest. "See?" he smiled. It had been meant as a joke, something to both reassure the man and lighten the mood a bit and he'd been just about to move on and tell him that people weren't too harsh here and that, after all, nothing had happened when he caught the look on the other's face.

Death stared at the hand on his chest. Why?! Why were mortals so foolish?! If you ever put a lever somewhere with a sign saying 'Don't pull, will destroy world', they'd fight over who got to pull it! Any moment now… nothing happened. Death stared some more. At the hand on his chest, at Hubert's face, back at the hand… his face was a mask of utter wonder, something that didn't occur often. In fact, this was the very first time. Ever. "You're… touching me…" the words came slowly and not in a particularly intelligent manner.

A slight frown appeared on Gruber's face. Had he misjudged the man after all? "Well, yes… you looked most uncomfortable sleeping in that suit." He wanted to draw back his hand, but the blonde captured it before he had the chance. Wolfgang's features changed from dread, to wonderment, to utter delight. He could touch him! In fact, they could touch each other! And Hubert still seemed to be very much alive.

This had a reason, even though neither knew it. It's human belief, a very powerful thing. People believed that being touched by Death meant they'd die, so they actually did. Hubert, on the other hand, didn't think touching Wolfgang would kill him, so he didn't. As for Death himself, he isn't human and thus has no human belief.

Death was in no mood to ponder this as he reached up to stroke Hubert's cheek. "Yes… I was." He didn't know what it was that made it possible, but the simple warmth radiating off the other man was enough for him not to wonder. All he wanted was to enjoy it while he could, actually touch someone with a pulse… who knew, maybe it wasn't just touching, perhaps he could…

Before Hubert knew exactly what was going on he felt soft lips against his own. Wow, Wolfgang truly went from one extreme to another. He gently pushed the other man away, it was far too soon for such things. After all, he barely knew him. "My, my… you are a fast mover, aren't you?" The lieutenant looked into those beautiful blue eyes and found a slight puzzlement there. "Am I?" Wolfgang's reply radiated innocence. Could he be new to all this? It would certainly explain a lot… "Well, yes. A little. You know what? It's still early, why don't you remove some more of your suit and we'll just stay in bed for a little while longer, okay?" The blonde nodded and started stripping himself of most things that were left of his suit.

It wasn't that Wolfgang was attractive in the same way René was… really there was no comparison, but he was still a very nice, quite handsome and definitely eager man. Plus, he was in Hubert's bed. Who was he to pass up something like that? René wouldn't be too cross about it, it was after all just some cuddling. This firmly in mind, the lieutenant stripped down to his underwear and crawled back in bed with the other man who was in a similar state of undress.

"By the way, I took the liberty of requesting a new uniform for you. It should arrive somewhere around noon. As for now, why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?" Wolfgang frowned. "Why, thank you for that, but… tell you what about myself?" Hubert took the opportunity to cuddle up a bit closer to the larger man and absent-mindedly stroked that magnificent chest. "I don't know, something about your family perhaps?" Wolfgang gave a sort of half-smile. "Family?" "Why, yes… mothers, grandmothers…" Death's eyes suddenly went wide open.

He KNEW he'd forgot something!

Then, he concentrated a little on the feeling of Hubert's hand upon his chest. Oh well, she could wait… it wasn't like she hadn't done so her entire life, what was a few more hours?

Obviously, Death didn't know the things that could happen in just a few hours in this town.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, it didn't come out exactly the way I wanted, but I promise improvement in the next chapter. 


End file.
